Resurrected VBB nightmare.

[TigerRaptor]

I must be out of my mind resurrecting this nightmare after all these years. But after Thundercat return and all this talk in the multiplayer forum. Well I couldn't help my self. There where other threads started to by other DBB members as well but I canâ??t find them. Any way what was supposed to a simple joke turned into a Boxing ring when TC entered.

[Krom]

HAHA! You found it!

[Top Wop]

Holy crap.

Did the concept of a moderator ever entered the minds of the people who ran that forum? Whats up with that?

[MD-2389]

Dude, there was virtually no moderation on the VBB. Trust me, I know. You should've seen the flamewars that ensued everytime someone mentioned Freespace3.

Speaking of resurrecting VBB moments....I present to you my archive of Plasma's jokes!

Diary of a New VBBer:

Day One: I bought a game called Freespace 2 today! I'm so happy! This game looks so cool, I bet it'll be real fun to play it. But I have to wait until tomorrow to install it because I need to find my CD-ROM. How stupid is that? Compaq gave me a floppy disk drive and a cup holder, but no CD-ROM!!! Why did I buy this computer last week?

Day Two: My roomate showed me my CD-ROM. I guess Compaq didn't give me a cup holder. At least he's in good spirits since he almost laughed for an hour when I asked if I should call Compaq about getting a real cup holder for the computer. At least he installed Freespace 2 for me! But man, what a sucky game! It's just a picture of some sort of huge room with a bunch of doors and people. How is this supposed to be fun?! My friend found something called the "Violation Bullet Bored", I think it was called. I figured out how to become a member and spent the rest of today configuring my options! So far I have a 3 page short story in my signature and all the lyrics to my favorite Pink Floyd songs! Tomorrow I'll add another short story and post my complaints about Freespace 2.

Day Three: I posted to the Vicious Boomerang Baster or whatever it was today. There were a lot of topics, and I didn't want mine to get ignored, so I was sure to type everything in capital letters to get the attention I deserve! I told everyone how much I hated Freespace 2 and how boring it was to just stare at a picture! But everyone was really rude to me! They called me all kinds of names and made fun of me. So I replied calling all of them names, too! Some mean person who must think they're god named Adam Pletcher e-mailed me telling me to cut down my signature and behave! THE NERVE! What makes him think he can order me around?! I posted another message denouncing this tyranical person named Adam Pletcher. Hah! I'll show him!

Day Four: It turns out Adam Pletcher helps run the Virginian Beachball Boredom or whatever that evil place is. He said if I don't stop posting obnoxious messages I'll be banned. Everyone else made fun of me for all three of my posts. I was actually able to play Freespace 2 today because someone explained how to start the campaign. I guess they were right...So I spent the rest of my time looking through the other messages. Why does everyone like pirates and who is this Mr. T?

Day Five: I just had a thought! Why doesn't Freespace 2 use real physics?! I posted a several page essay on why it's an inferior game because it doesn't use real physics. No one replied except some weird guy named WildWolf who just made fun of me. So I replied calling him every bad name I could think of. Adam Pletcher e-mailed me again. I'm really starting to hate the Voyager Bashful Baffoon or whatever that place is...

Day Six: I barely finished Freespace 2 today. I also found some other pages that have stories about Freespace 2! Wow, I'm gonna write a story and it'll be the best ever! I posted to the Velvet Beanie Baby, or whatever the hell that place is called, about my story. I said I would have stuff in it like Earth and a homeworld for the Shivans and giganto death rays and beautiful women and some Shivan allies! Everyone made fun of me again, especially some ******* named Plasma who called me a lunatic. I replied calling him a ******* and other names. I got another e-mail from Adam Pletcher. He agreed that Plasma was a ******* child from the darkest depths of hell, but he still warned me.

Day Seven: My roomate saw everything I was doing on the Venetian Beach Boys or whatever it was. He was laughing really hard. I bet he was laughing at those idiots Plasma and WildWolf. My roomate suggested I complain about Freespace 2 not supporting 800x600 resolution. I don't know what that means, but I wrote up a 2 page post about it anyways, saying Freespace 2 was the worst game ever because it did not have 800x600. Everyone made fun of me again! I HATE that place! I posted a message cussing all of those ninnies out for thinking they're smarter than me!!!

Day Eight: Adam Pletcher kicked me off the Vestigual Bronchi Bingo thing today. Good riddance. I don't need those fools! Besides, I found another place for a game called Wing Commander, and they don't care if I post in caps or have my favorite short stories in my signature! So HA HA to you Freespace 2! I win!!!

Wasn't that fun? (The correct answer is 'NO') Below you'll find another relic - FS/VBB Haiku! Everyone likes haiku, especially when it's horrible!

Freespace/VBB Haiku

Interplay Orders
Interactive Space Terrain
Marketing Buzzword.

Being the big pimp
Isn't too easy for me
I'm Colonel WildWolf.
HAHAHAHA. NO.

Shivans on my six
Galactic Terran Intel
Screwed me again, damn!

Sacred Apollo
Much older than my grandpa
Do not bring it back!

Colossus blew up
Was really a big ship, but,
Shivans had larger.

Testing for the bugs
Shekar is on a rampage
Baranec unhappy.

Bosch did get away
Because GTI sucks big
Traitorous weirdos.

Coming up is one of the more popular hunks of crap that I've churned out during my tour of duty in this community: Fighters as Operating Systems. I think this revealed that more than a few VBBers were fond of Slashdot.org - Scary.

Fighters as Operating Systems

GTF 3.30-DOS "Prompt"
Type: Light Scout
Manufacturer: Microsoft Defense Contracting Division
Top speed: 8 m/s
Armor: Memmaker.exe

Test Analysis and Recommendation: Ugly, slow, and weak. The most severe problem is that this fighter can only operate one subsystem at a time. Meaning that if the pilot wishes to make use of life support, he/she will not be able to fire any weapons or target any ships. This ship was unable to handle any weapon beyond an ML-16 without suddenly exploding. A later revision of this fighter, the 4.10-DOS, failed to impress us at all, since it did not appear to have any apparent purpose. The 5.00-DOS and 6.22-DOS revisions are capable of running life support along with one other sub-system; a considerable improvement over the 3.30-DOS. If there is any desire to purchase these fighters, please make it the 6.22-DOS as the 3.30-DOS can barely be classified as a combat vessel. The only redeeming quality of this ship is it's fuel effenciency, as it has the longest range of any fighter using only .640 metric tons of xenon gas for it's engines.

...So The GTA Ordered: Contract for 5,480 3.30-DOS fighters

GTF 95-A "Windows"
Type: Standard Multi-role
Manufacturer: Microsoft Defense Contracting Division
Top speed: Allegedly 32 m/s but acts more like 16 m/s
Armor: Luck and EMM386

Test Analysis and Recommendation: Definately the prettiest fighter of all. Looks very intimidating, appears heavily armed and fast, but seems to have problems in combat. The models we tested worked fine except for faulty navigational arrays and broken sensors. Life support systems were also not availible, and can only be purchased with an upgrade to the 98-A or 98-B models. This fighter has randomly exploded when performing simple tasks such as targeting functions, touching any of the flight controls, and on one occasion a fighter blew up when a test pilot looked at it from across a bay. Another major concern is the fighter's slow speed; which is advertised at 32 meters per second, but the fastest we were able to acheive was 16 meters per second. Microsoft Defense also claims the fighter can operate on 8 metric tons of xenon for the ion drives, but the fighter fails to operate with anything less than 16 metric tons, and will not perform well without more than 32 metric tons. We do not recommend that this fighter be ordered.

...So The GTA Ordered: Contract for 3,800 95-A fighters

GTF iGTF-233 "Macintosh"
Type: Light Space Superiority
Manufacturer: Apple Defense Systems
Top speed: 32 m/s (Usually)
Armor: Good Vibes, Colorful Exterior, and Poetry with a side of espresso

Test Analysis and Recommendation: Initial concerns include the rather large target profile which is compounded by one of five bright colors. We were also unable to find a standard glass canopy for the cockpit. Test pilots liked the asthetic appeal of the fighter, but did not like the fact that the fighter is solely auto-pilot controlled. Further, when attempting to handle the flight controls, test pilots reported receiving and electric shock with an audio notice saying "You do not need to know what is going on. Please sit back and notice that our fighter can actually move at 32 meters per second unlike the slower 95-A Windows fighter.". Performance wise, the fighter performs well, but we were unable to attach any kind of primary or secondary weapon systems to the fighter as they do not appear to be compatible. This fighter also cannot be retrofitted for prolonged use. It can only hold 32 metric tons of xenon, and if we could even find the sub-systems, we're sure those wouldn't be able to house upgrades either.

...So the GTA Ordered: 250

Let's see... I'm rummaging around my hard drive right now looking for more of these stupid things. Ah, the Six Personality Types of the VBB. I think the original post mistakenly had 7 types... Not sure where the mythical 7th vanished to in this version.

The Six Personality Types Found on the VBB

Ancient Member (Stuckupus Olbieus)
You rarely get any enjoyment out of life or the internet on account of being surrounded by what you perceive as a constant buffer of idiots. You are tough and unforgiving...And you'll stay that way the rest of your life until you die a crooked old man or a cranky old shrew. The vast majority of your posts are spent correcting the other four personalities besides administrators. Often times you complain that Democrats have made the world soft and wonder why the hell we can't have another Great Flood because "this board needs a damn enema" or have another Red Revolution. Avoid your natural enemy: the Sensationalists and try to befriend or mate with other Ancient Members

The Sensationalist (Readstoomuchus Nationalenquirerus)

Even the most minor events and news mean everything to you. You believe that the Ancient Members and the mysterious Administrators are secretly planning to overthrow all governments of the world in conjunction with the Roswell aliens, the KGB, and Linda Blair. Only you, with your keen sense of observation, stands in the way of this incidiously vile plot, and you intend to let the whole board know. Your posts often involve the plugging of every small rumor that graces your eyes and ears. However, the Ancient Members are truly a challenging foe fighting against your cause, so avoid them at all costs. Befriend the Newbies and mate with Gumps.

Newbies (Convertous Fromoriginus)

Freespace is just the best game ever. And your limitless enthusiasm shows that with endless posts and topics in caps. Your strengths are your energy, vitality and your uncanny ability to find and strike the CAPS LOCK key in record time without looking; while your weaknesses are your lack of judgement and temperment. Avoid Gumps at all costs, as they will only bring out the worst in you. Be cautious of sensationalists as they can be tricky. Lay low and do not draw attention from the Ancient Members and Administrators.

Gumps (Totallackus Ofcommonsensus)

"U march 2 ur own drumr"; not listening to the voice of reason or common sense. You often feel the need to post utterly useless and non-Freespace or board related topics, and become enraged or irritated when no one responds. Rarely do you find it nessecary to type in proper English or in complete coherent sentences. You may feel that you are part of the Ancient Member personality group, but this is often just a dementia associated with being a Gump. Seek Newbies for entertainment and to boost your self esteem. Also seek out other Gumps or Sensationalists for mating (You can buy guides on how to procreate with other humans if need be. Since you're a Gump, you'll probably need one). Ancient Members should not concern you, since you obviously have no hope in hell of understanding their refined vocabularly and logical thought processes. Administrators should be avoided.

The Board Lurker (Notus Registeredous)

What can we say? You suck.

Administrator (Wecantus Findthemous)

Very little in known about the profile of the Administrators since so few have been spotted in public. It is theorized that their natural habitat is in a secluded location amongst miles and miles of corn fields in North America. Many expeditions have been launched to observe the elusive Administrators, but all anthropologists and biologists to traverse the corn fields have vanished...Except one who is now in a mental institution. His account tells of a place where an alpha male, designated Kulas, rules over a tribe of Administrators. The specific social structure is still not known, but it is thought that each member makes a nest filled with many objects collected over time: Including several metric tons of aluminum per nest, as it was found that each tribe member consumes vast amounts of carbonated beverages contained within aluminum cans. The anthropologist who risked his life to bring us this information has now been reduced to a mental compacity lower than that of a Gump. It is rumored that the only words he speaks are "Interactive", "Space", and "Terrain". No one knows what this means.

Let's hear it for obscure jokes and references! Huzzah! Moving right along I also see The Ten Commandments of the VBB:

The Ten Commandments of the VBB

10. Thou shalt post numerous irrelevent topics on thy board without remote thought. Acceptable posts include curing personal hygeine issues, cheap air fares, computer sales, and thy pets.

9. Thou shalt be obnoxious and post gibberish to all existing threads. Tell a story about relatives, or thy political affiliation. Do not speak of anything Freespace related. Posting "Me too!" to ever thread is good.

8. Thou shalt hold as many graven images as possible. Including, but not limited to: Homeworld, X-Wing Alliance, Wing Commander, and Pong.

7. Thou shalt not understand the concept of Freespace 2 only supporting 640x480 and 1024x768. Post frivilously complaining that thy S3 Virge video card doest not work with Freespace 2. Explain why Volition should be destroyed for not customizing the game to thy computer, and thy computer alone. Be sure to type in caps.

6. Thou shalt not treat any full members or administration with respect. After all, thou hast purchsed the game, and ye deserve more respect than all of them.

5. Thou shalt post many pages questioning Freespace's lack of thy holy real physics. Insist tirelessly that ye are correct.

4. Keep holy thy Caps Lock key. Use it often and in all situations.

3. Thou shalt post endlessly on thy problems with Freespace multiplayer and your 9600 baud modem.

2. Thou shalt defy Mr. T and other secular evils such as penguins, chickens, and PFS staffers.

1. Thou shalt not own or play Freespace or Freespace 2. Thou shalt own Wing Commander and post liberally as if ye programmed Freespace thyself. Treat all others on the board as neanderthal fools.

Wow, #2 had a reference to PFS Staffers. This is real ancient VBB history you're looking at, folks. Up next is one of my personal favorites: The top ten lists.

Top Ten Final Quotes From the Shivans on the Lucifer:

10. "What do you mean the warranties on our shield generators just went out?"

9. "Uma, Ursa; Ursa, Uma...Oh hell, Letterman does it better."

8. "Hey guys, I got Win98 SE, let's install it on our way to Sol!"

7. "AAA batteries only...Damn...Say, does that remote over there have 6,400 AAA batteries?"

6. "Hey, we just got this free America Online CD! And check it out; We got 50 free hours!"

5. "Did anyone notice our shield generators say 'Made in America'? I dunno, it just gives me the creeps..."

4. "Our main computer? I don't know, you tell me; what does Intel Inside mean?"

3. "I don't think our insurance covers subspace..."

2. "What the...They're shots are HURTING us! Can they even DO that?! Isn't it cheating?"

And the #1 reason Why the Lucifer Bit the Dust as told by it's crew...

1. "Reactor 3 just went down, huh? Don't worry, the controller for that one was running on Linux, all the others are running on Windo-...Oh crap."

Top Ten Alternate Names for the GTD Galatea:

10. GTD Edsel
9. GTD Martyr
8. GTD Cannon Fodder
7. GTD Pinto
6. GTD George Micheal's Career
5. GTD Ross Perot
4. GTD Movie Meat
3. GTD Titanic
2. GTD Latoya Jackson

And the #1 alternate name for the GTD Galatea:

1. GTD Clinton Administration

Top Ten Subtitles for Freespace 2

10. Freespace 2: Judgement Day
9. Freespace 2: "BWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" (As in Dave...See older posts)
8. Freespace 2: Got Shivan?
7. Freespace 2: More Bite Than Tyson!
6. Freespace 2: Sleepless in Sol
5. Freespace 2: When Harry Met Shivan
4. Freespace 2: The Breakfast of Champions!
3. Freespace 2: 237 Cases of Pepsi and Coffee Pots Later...
2. Freespace 2: The Great 3d Card War

And the #1 Subtitle for Freespace 2...

1. Freespace 2: It's Not Just a Hard Drive Utility Anymore!

Top Ten Most Used Phrases by Galactic Terran Intellegence

10. "Well, according this this map, the Shivan armada is right here. ...What? No, that is not the Vasudan embassy! Hey pal, your map may say it's the Vasudan embassy on Earth, but my GTI map says it's the Shivan armada in Capella! ...No, I don't care that there's an obscenely low number for a year on my map: It's GTI material! It can't be wrong!"

9. "...And the bulk of the Shivan armada is in Vega...uh...Jumping rope. Yeah! That's it!"

8. "Oh, this? I got a secret decoder ring a Cracker Jack box that was better than the one GTI issued me! Cool, huh?"

7. "Are these the pictures the black ops guys got us of the Shivan comm nodes? Oooh! Neato! It looks like a snow flake! My wife could make some nifty Christmas ornaments with that design, ya know."

6. "We believe your target, the Lucifer, is in orbit around Delta Serpentis V, which is two systems away from here in Vasuda Prime...What? What do you mean it's right out the window right now?"

5. "We in GTI pride ourselves on being the eyes and ears for all allied units. Oh wait, no one move! I just lost one of my contacts!"

4. "The Shivans are somewhere in the universe. Go find them and destroy them."

3. "If we want to splinter off of the GTA, we can dammit! It's not like they know we're secretly building a super destroyer...Er, wait..DOH!"

2. "Okay, here's you're tactical briefing......uh...Go shoot the pretty red ships. That is all."

And the #1 Most Used Phrase by the GTI...

1. "Trust us!"

And now a stupid song parody that I think nobody really liked, although some of the syllable counts are too large and some of the words don't fit so I can't blame them. Was made in the midst of all the video card angst involving Freespace 2's lack of 800x600 support.

Resolution Insanity

(Parody of Virtual Insanity by Jamiroquai. You can find it on the Traveling Without Moving album).
Oh yeah, what we're running in (Let me tell ya)...
It's a wonder that man can play at all,
when pixels are big that should be small.
Who can tell what magic cards we'll be buying for us.
And I'm giving all my love to this cause, only to be told:
I can't see.
800x600
Jus' ain't for me.
And nothing's gonna change the way this is...
Cos' they don't have a clue how really big it is...
And now they ***** on the VBB-
It's just a crazy concept, don't you see!
And I just can't see that shield gauge in all those blocky pixels...

(Chorus)
Freespace HUDs made of low-res insanity;
Always seem to, be govern'd by this useless,
twisting, love for old technology.
Oh now there is no fun, because too many have Voodoo1's!

And now I'm thinking what chaos we're in;
Hard to know where to begin!
Oh If I could slip, this 4 meg grip, that 3dfx has made.
And now not enough peeps' can
choose, the res of their game without 3rd gen' cards!
That's just not nature's way...
Their Voodoo1 was enough for yesterday...
There's nothing left to do but complain...
Oh, I think it's time I found Wing Commander!
Whoa - It's so insane; The 640x480 eye strain.
There's something in this API that we have to veto!

(Chorus)

And now there is no fun,
if we all use Voodoo1!
And now it's resolution insanity;
Forget your high-res reality!
Oh there's nothing so bad,
as a mad Voodoo1 man...

(Instrumental Break. Go get the MP3 of this song if you have no idea what's going on so far)

Of this resolution insanity that we're livin' in,
has got to change, yeah.
640x480 just isn't the same.
And I can't go on programming Glide...
Oh, resolution insanity!
These hardware standards have got to change!
Cos I just, I just can't keep going on...
It was resolution, resolution insanity that we're livin' in,
that we're livin' in.
Resolution insanity is what it is...

(Chorus)

Living - Resolution Insanity
Living - Resolution Insanity
Living - Resolution Insanity
Living - Resolution Insanity

Resolution insanity is what we're living in...

(End)

Wasn't that just... precious? But now, after all of the crap above, it's time for the main event! The one thing that put me on the map (Besides that Tell a Story thing), the one thing that should've gotten me banned fifty times over, the one thing that plunged the FS board into chaos! Yes, you guessed it...

RAMALAMADINGDONG

Join Squad Ramalamadingdong!!!
R.A.M.A.L.A.M.A.D.I.N.G.D.O.N.G.

Ravanous Auxilary Morons Against Loquacious Antelopes Milking Agricultural Dingos In New Guinea's Diffuse Omidirectional Nocturnal Greens

So you want to be in RAMALAMADINGDONG? We only accept the best, so you better be good! Before you think about applying, be sure you meet the following criteria:

1. You have absolutely no spelling or grammar skills - Because when you got mad sKiLLz, you can't worry about talking like a normal human being with normal mental capacity!

2. You have no sportsmanship at all! - Hey, it's just the Internet, who cares about being civilized? Let's all act like belligerent little children because no one can catch us!

3. You take way too much pride in squads/clans/tribes/etc. - Who cares if you'll never meet your other squadmates in person, or any of the opposing squads? At RAMALAMADINGDONG we like to act like our squad is our living; taking every little joke and insult far too seriously! You must defend the name of your squad even if it means sacrificing what little dignity you have by actually opening your mouth and saying something!

4. You must be excessively conceited and oblivious - At RAMALAMADINGDONG, we believe that each pilot is a king...Of the entire free world! After all, your divine rights exceed the rights of all others: Foreign or domestic!

Do you meet those requirements? If so, you may be worthy of the great 0th RAMALAMADINGDONG Squadron located on the GTD Jock Itch! To sign up:

Send $2,900 in U.S. Currency (Unmarked bills, $20's only, please) to:

U.R.A. Moron Enterprises
c/o RAMALAMADINGDONG Satire
1337 Fleece Ln.
Suite 41
Thisisajoke, AL 65027-8001

Hope to hear from you soon!

And that's that. I would post the Utility Release and The Campaign of False Promises, but I can't find the original texts. It's a pity, really.

And it's not like this is the end. There's still the VWBB, Warpstorm, and HLP. Lighten up, folks!

[Top Gun]

So...that was the infamous VBB...

Edit: 38 pages?! That's beyond a boxing ring; that's WW III

[Duper]

Tiger .. OMG, Dood! I can't believe that actually left that board up and accessable! How did you find it???

[TigerRaptor]

If I remember correctly I think it was over 60 pages long with over 2000 replies.

I just wish I could find the threads made by Ingus. Now if I could just get theads made by Korrupt, Zonerie, and Mobius open.

Tiger .. OMG, Dood! I can't believe that actually left that board up and accessable! How did you find it???

Archive.org I was surprised to see it still kicking after all this time.

[Liquid Fire]

Now I know what thrawn was talking about when he mentioned the "legendary" thread over in descent multiplayer.

[Duper]

lol yea.. and it was ALL TIGER'S FAULT... bastard. It was silly though. Forming clans for a game that hadn't even gone gold??? come on. And where are those clans now? yea yea.. RF 2 came out ... and went barely noticed. reviews were kind but not excited. Oh well.

[Foil]

That's a hilarious thread!

TigerRaptorFX, you said it ended up going 60 pages? Wow...

The archive has the first 38, which went for five months... makes me wonder what the longest thread here at the DBB has been.

MD-2389, it's amazing how much some of that ancient VBB stuff could be applied here!

[TigerRaptor]

LOL Duper don't give me that. You and a bunch of other DBBerâ??s and you all know who you are took it to another level. TC being the main aggressor and all.

Funny thing two of these threads where started. One for Red Faction and the other for The Summoner. I donâ??t think any one ever saw the 2nd newbie thread for The Summoner. Of course it never took off.

[Ferno]

I loved every moment of it. It was quite entertaining. everyone's panties in a wad, defending something that didn't exist at that moment... I think I'll call them 'vaporwarians'.

[Pun]

Oh man! Why did I wait so long to click this link!? Good job, dude.

[Mobius]

LOL. I remember that dork Neo_Ayu - man that brought a smile to my face!

[Lothar]

We are your collective Zod. Now kneel.

LOL!

[Mr. Perfect]

That is simply unbelievable. I thought the VBB content all disapeared the second teh servers went down. I might have to browse through and find old classics.

[MD-2389]

That is simply unbelievable. I thought the VBB content all disapeared the second teh servers went down. I might have to browse through and find old classics.

If you find TAS, I'll have to give Plasma your home address and have him pay you a visit. (Seriously, he hates TAS)

[Couver_]

Anybody else notice Mobius posted more then once there?

Man that was funny people getting butt hurt over a game that had not yet been released.

[roid]

when will archive.org integrate a search engine damnit?!

Anybody else notice Mobius posted more then once there?

Man that was funny people getting butt hurt over a game that had not yet been released.

lol, but he was getting up at people for not spelling their UBB code right seriouslly ROFL *dies laughing*