SO here's my deal.
I've got this girl I've been going on and off with for the last 6 years whom I'm completely and absolutely in love with...She just moved back here after a stint on the east coast about a month ago and we've been hanging out a lot. I let her know how I felt about her and she said something along the lines \"What would I do then, with no lover and no friend?\" assuming things went sour...
She says she likes it the way we're chilling now, but she's interested in me. I don't know what the hell to do. I'm fuckin, like, sick to my stomach thinking about this thing. SO here's my options
1) Pursue her, maybe succeed, or maybe get toyed with and have my little country heart broken again.
2)Act like she doesn't exist.
I can't just remain platonic with her, it's impossible. I've tried. I get jealous way too easy.
What do I do, DBBers?
women...tricky devils...
If you can't be just friends with her, you're going to have to stop seeing her, or pursue her and run the risk you two will break up. But since there might still be a chance you'll end up together, I think it's worth it to pursue her, since both the other outcomes--part ways, pursue then end up parting ways--end with you being without her. She might need a little time to gain comfort with taking things further, but I think it's a goal worth seeking. But if there's one more \"off\", make it the last and move on.
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SuperSheep
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My guess is she does not want to be in a stifling relationship. You need to give yourself and her some space. Show her that you have a life outside of just her. Women are interested in men that have their own \"thing\". And by that, I don't mean a job.
She obviously likes you a lot. She hangs out with you when she could be hanging out with other people. She only see's you as a friend because friends never even consider if they spend too much time together, or what conversations they have or who pays for dinner. Couples do.
What would you want your ideal women to be like? Would she be constantly hanging around with you like your best friend? Do you see spending every waking moment with her? Probably not, because that is what friends do.
You need to approach the situation as if you were already dating meaning you would go about doing your own things and invite her when appropriate, i.e., going out to dinner, going to the movies, couple stuff. You would not invite her over to watch you do laundry or just to \"chat\". She has become comfortable in seeing you as a friend because that is how you are treating her.
My advice would be to start limiting the \"buddy buddy\" stuff, and inviting her only when it is more \"date like\". Do simple nice things for her, like sending her flowers. Refrain from just talking and keep conversation over the phone limited. Get a hobby and tell her about it, don't make her a part of it.
And lastly, don't tell her how you \"feel\" when you know she probably doesn't \"feel\" the same way. You are simply setting yourself up for disappointment and justification to end things.
Some of the greatest relationships begin with friendship and I speak from personal experience. I am engaged to the greatest woman I don't deserve and we were friends for nearly 10 years before starting to date.
She obviously likes you a lot. She hangs out with you when she could be hanging out with other people. She only see's you as a friend because friends never even consider if they spend too much time together, or what conversations they have or who pays for dinner. Couples do.
What would you want your ideal women to be like? Would she be constantly hanging around with you like your best friend? Do you see spending every waking moment with her? Probably not, because that is what friends do.
You need to approach the situation as if you were already dating meaning you would go about doing your own things and invite her when appropriate, i.e., going out to dinner, going to the movies, couple stuff. You would not invite her over to watch you do laundry or just to \"chat\". She has become comfortable in seeing you as a friend because that is how you are treating her.
My advice would be to start limiting the \"buddy buddy\" stuff, and inviting her only when it is more \"date like\". Do simple nice things for her, like sending her flowers. Refrain from just talking and keep conversation over the phone limited. Get a hobby and tell her about it, don't make her a part of it.
And lastly, don't tell her how you \"feel\" when you know she probably doesn't \"feel\" the same way. You are simply setting yourself up for disappointment and justification to end things.
Some of the greatest relationships begin with friendship and I speak from personal experience. I am engaged to the greatest woman I don't deserve and we were friends for nearly 10 years before starting to date.
)SuperSheep's right.
Now, my first thought is that perhaps she's just keeping you as a backup guy. That's my impression from what you told me.
Definitely start asking her out on dates. You've let her know how you feel and she's unsure if she wants to go that route. So, show her what you've got to offer to her and take her out. No more friends stuff.
Don't try to go overboard though. You seem to want to go serious with her, but she most likely isn't ready for that stage. Remember to just have fun and give her time to come to you. The serious stage will come in it's own natural way.
Good luck!
Now, my first thought is that perhaps she's just keeping you as a backup guy. That's my impression from what you told me.
Definitely start asking her out on dates. You've let her know how you feel and she's unsure if she wants to go that route. So, show her what you've got to offer to her and take her out. No more friends stuff.
Don't try to go overboard though. You seem to want to go serious with her, but she most likely isn't ready for that stage. Remember to just have fun and give her time to come to you. The serious stage will come in it's own natural way.
Good luck!
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EngDrewman
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Re:
LOLZ!!! I was thinking of the exact same pic!Duper wrote:
I've been in this situation before and man, it sucks! The girl either loves you or she doesn't, and given that you've known her for 6 years now, if she was interested in a relationship with you, it would have happened by now.
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SilverFJ
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Well, you see, I've dated her and we were continentally seperated by events that were next to unavoidable... Long long ass story.EngDrewman wrote:I've been in this situation before and man, it sucks! The girl either loves you or she doesn't, and given that you've known her for 6 years now, if she was interested in a relationship with you, it would have happened by now.
I never thought of that, but it makes complete sense with how she's been acting lately, it's almost like she's trying to keep me on a long choker chain just far enough so when she wants a serious person she can just yank it in... ★■◆● that, I'm not gunna subject myself to that.Kiran wrote:Now, my first thought is that perhaps she's just keeping you as a backup guy. That's my impression from what you told me.
Thanks for the advice guys, I'll let ya'll know what happens...
Re:
x3Dedman wrote:I'm with VonVulcan on this one. Move on dude.
Love for another can often blind us to the obvious. Forgive me if what follows seems blunt at all, I'm really trying to help here.
The question here seems straight forward:
You love her Silver.
Does she love you back?
If she does, you have a future, if she doesn't then you don't. Staying around someone that you love but doesnt love you back is like being hungry and refusing to eat... then watching someone else eat a juicy steak. It's torture at best, self loathing at worst.
You've ruled out platonic relationships - that leaves you with all or nothing. That's how love is in my experience.
The only way forward is honesty. Tell her how you feel - and Yes I know how emotionally dangerous that is, cause it hurts like a ★■◆● when it backfires (been there - hate that.) But look at the alternatives:
1. NOT tell her how you feel - your feelings remain unexpressed, your love unrequited. IE: Exactly the same situation you're in now, which you currently can't stand. Nothing improves.
2. TELL her how you feel - there's three possible outcomes.
Outcome one - she digs you too, you become closer END RESULT: Things improve, you find Happiness.
Outcome Two: She doesn't dig you the way you dig her. There is no possibility of you getting waht you want. Life sucks for weeks, maybe months - then you slowly start to pick yourself up and move on. END RESULT: Unhappy ending but you get over it. Things still improve.
Outcome Three: She doesn't know how she feels about you. This is probably very unlikely given the time you've known each other. An ex girlfriend of mine once put it very well. She said when it comes to possible boyfriends/lovers, some are a definite yes, some a definite no and some are neutral but can become a yes/no over time. From the sounds of it, you and her have had enough time allready. She would know by now if you are a no or a neutral. If you were a definite yes from the get-go, she would probably already be yours, unless she's the shy type who doesn't express herself too well. (if this is the case, expressing your feelings will definitely help).
If it were me, I would tell her how I felt. At the end of the day, it's the only way to get closure. NOT knowing, NOT saying it - that never makes it better, it only drags out the pain.
There *is* the possibility that she's toying with you, keeping you on the hook. If she is, then that's not love she's displaying, it's indifferent opportunism. Or indecision. Or emotional naievity. And you deserve better.
And as for the \"having no lover or no friend\" bit - that's just selfish. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. Where in that statement is she displaying any consideration for you or your feelings?
Maybe she was burnt over east and is afraid of it happening again. Fair enough - but that's not love either, it's fear.
Maybe she IS scared, maybe she IS indifferent, maybe she IS in love with you... The only way to KNOW - is to TALK.
The truth will set you free here Silver - but accept the fact it may make you miserable first.
Good luck!!
The question here seems straight forward:
You love her Silver.
Does she love you back?
If she does, you have a future, if she doesn't then you don't. Staying around someone that you love but doesnt love you back is like being hungry and refusing to eat... then watching someone else eat a juicy steak. It's torture at best, self loathing at worst.
You've ruled out platonic relationships - that leaves you with all or nothing. That's how love is in my experience.
The only way forward is honesty. Tell her how you feel - and Yes I know how emotionally dangerous that is, cause it hurts like a ★■◆● when it backfires (been there - hate that.) But look at the alternatives:
1. NOT tell her how you feel - your feelings remain unexpressed, your love unrequited. IE: Exactly the same situation you're in now, which you currently can't stand. Nothing improves.
2. TELL her how you feel - there's three possible outcomes.
Outcome one - she digs you too, you become closer END RESULT: Things improve, you find Happiness.
Outcome Two: She doesn't dig you the way you dig her. There is no possibility of you getting waht you want. Life sucks for weeks, maybe months - then you slowly start to pick yourself up and move on. END RESULT: Unhappy ending but you get over it. Things still improve.
Outcome Three: She doesn't know how she feels about you. This is probably very unlikely given the time you've known each other. An ex girlfriend of mine once put it very well. She said when it comes to possible boyfriends/lovers, some are a definite yes, some a definite no and some are neutral but can become a yes/no over time. From the sounds of it, you and her have had enough time allready. She would know by now if you are a no or a neutral. If you were a definite yes from the get-go, she would probably already be yours, unless she's the shy type who doesn't express herself too well. (if this is the case, expressing your feelings will definitely help).
If it were me, I would tell her how I felt. At the end of the day, it's the only way to get closure. NOT knowing, NOT saying it - that never makes it better, it only drags out the pain.
There *is* the possibility that she's toying with you, keeping you on the hook. If she is, then that's not love she's displaying, it's indifferent opportunism. Or indecision. Or emotional naievity. And you deserve better.
And as for the \"having no lover or no friend\" bit - that's just selfish. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. Where in that statement is she displaying any consideration for you or your feelings?
Maybe she was burnt over east and is afraid of it happening again. Fair enough - but that's not love either, it's fear.
Maybe she IS scared, maybe she IS indifferent, maybe she IS in love with you... The only way to KNOW - is to TALK.
The truth will set you free here Silver - but accept the fact it may make you miserable first.
Good luck!!
Your being played dude, move on. I know its hard but if she felt the same way as you there wouldn't be any problems hooking up. Find someone that cares for you, the other woman is selfish and doesn't care what you feel and is trying to get all she can out of you before you wise up.
Going on 6 years eh?
Going on 6 years eh?
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Tunnelcat
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SilverFJ, here's an answer from a female. She's playing you right now and is not sure what she wants. Typical female. She's still fishing in the ocean for that perfect catch. If you REALLY want to test her and you're serious for a full time commitment, ask her if she would ever want to get married in the future. 
I was waffling and hesitant about what I wanted to do with my life during college, stringing my boyfriend along for a few years, so he just came out and asked me to marry him one day. I accepted on the spur of the moment and have been happily married to him for over 30 years.
I was waffling and hesitant about what I wanted to do with my life during college, stringing my boyfriend along for a few years, so he just came out and asked me to marry him one day. I accepted on the spur of the moment and have been happily married to him for over 30 years.
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SilverFJ
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Well peeps, I ended up memorizing a lot of what went on in this thread and used it in an amazing tell-off to her, and she admitted just wanting to hold onto me in case...and I cut her off there. I told her if she didnt want the whole thing ...not like she could handle it anyway 
... she could go off and get used somewhere just like I was being used. She cried what seemed incessantly but I told her I could finally get over her and we're completely cool as friends now, with the agreement that we won't date each other's friends (which is fair enough, right?)
So thanks for the help, I'm completely ignorant in the ways of women.
... she could go off and get used somewhere just like I was being used. She cried what seemed incessantly but I told her I could finally get over her and we're completely cool as friends now, with the agreement that we won't date each other's friends (which is fair enough, right?)So thanks for the help, I'm completely ignorant in the ways of women.
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Flatlander
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Just think of all the jewelry, flowers, movies and dinners you saved. I dated a girl one time and before the bank statements had come in found out she had several serious issues.
I had fallen hard for one of her personalities...
Was tough to tell her to take off eh... but in the end I learned not to try and fall for the crap anymore and gain some respect for myself.
Good job SilverFJ.
I had fallen hard for one of her personalities...
Was tough to tell her to take off eh... but in the end I learned not to try and fall for the crap anymore and gain some respect for myself.
Good job SilverFJ.
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Tunnelcat
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Way to go SilverFJ. You forced her hand and finished the game. Men will never understand women's thinking because they don't have to deal with the effects of estrogen on the brain. That hormone causes more scattered, emotional and indecisive thought processes than guys can EVER imagine. Thank GOD that I'm through menopause now, NO MORE ESTROGEN BRAIN! What a difference!
On the converse side, most women will never understand male thrill seeking, aggression and the overactive sex drive. Each sex has their own quirks.
On the converse side, most women will never understand male thrill seeking, aggression and the overactive sex drive. Each sex has their own quirks.
Tunnelcat's assessment of the situation resonated the most clearly with me after reading your original post, but it's hard to get a clear picture from a few paragraphs of text. Emotion is a fickle affair all its own, and neither sex is safe from its distortion of reality.
My primary expectation (and one that might still be partly in play in the back of her own mind) is that she really liked you but couldn't commit because she's not sure whether she'll be happy with the life you can provide. If she can't make up her mind what she's willing to settle for and is just biding her time until Fate comes along and drops Brad Pitt in her lap, then even saying yes to your advances and allowing a certain level of commitment is merely a way to pass the time. Under that context, the eventual implosion and heartache are inevitable unless she matures significantly between now and when an opportunity she has trouble ignoring does come along.
Regardless, it does sound like things have worked out. Keep things out in the open and clear, foster communication at every turn, and don't shy away from the pain. It's worth it in the end. Your self-respect will thank you.
My primary expectation (and one that might still be partly in play in the back of her own mind) is that she really liked you but couldn't commit because she's not sure whether she'll be happy with the life you can provide. If she can't make up her mind what she's willing to settle for and is just biding her time until Fate comes along and drops Brad Pitt in her lap, then even saying yes to your advances and allowing a certain level of commitment is merely a way to pass the time. Under that context, the eventual implosion and heartache are inevitable unless she matures significantly between now and when an opportunity she has trouble ignoring does come along.
Regardless, it does sound like things have worked out. Keep things out in the open and clear, foster communication at every turn, and don't shy away from the pain. It's worth it in the end. Your self-respect will thank you.
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Jon the Great
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SilverFJ
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Re:
While that may be true with city girls whom I have no idea about, I do have to stand up for the woman in the respect that she knows I just started making low-end 6 figures in 8 months...Sllik wrote:...because she's not sure whether she'll be happy with the life you can provide.
Things are cool though, I got in a bar fight and spent a few nights in jail where I got a lot of thinking done, and I realized she makes a much more valuable friend than a cast-aside...The alst week's been pretty fun.